30 Lessons by 30

As I was approaching my 30th birthday, I was super reflective and thinking about all of the personal, relationship, career, and life lessons I had learned over the years. I decided to post on the ‘gram one lesson each day on the 30 days leading up to my 30th. Here they are!

We all have many different friend groups and loved ones from different moments in life. Keeping up with all these different people can be hard, and it’s especially hard if you compartmentalize them. I truly believe if you surround yourself with good people, they’ll all get along. Rather than putting effort into spending time with individual people or groups, why not bring them together? Good people get along with good people.
Failures are the thing steering you back on to your path and back in the right direction. Almost every thing that didn’t go my way, every job I didn’t get, every school rejection etc felt like the end of the world in the moment. Looking back though 1) it wasn’t the end of the world and 2) it led me to something better and more fitting. Plus failure fuels growth and builds character.
Honesty without tact is cruelty. I used to pride myself on being a straight shooter, brutally honest, saying things that others won’t say, “keepin it real” etc. Turns out that all of that without an element of tact isn’t cool. I still believe in the power of honesty but it’s far more impactful when coupled with tact.
This gem comes from Musa Tariq: If you work for a company, you probably find yourself talking about a 5 year plan or vision. Have you sat down and done that same exercise for your career? So real, so important. Definitely moved me to action.
You should always be able to think back to 3 (or more) people you’ve helped on their journey over the past year. Growing up with parents that immigrated to the US when I was born, I had to figure out a lot of things on my own – from college applications to career moves to grad school etc. I am forever grateful to those that helped me on my journey and continue to do so. And I love and welcome any opportunity to help others on theirs.
Perspective is everything. I’ve made a small adjustment to how I react to certain things and it made a huge difference almost immediately: When something goes wrong or is frustrating or doesn’t go my way, it’s easy and likely the default to ask “Why is this happening to me??” I’ve started replacing that question with, “What can I learn from this? What’s the lesson here?”
Don’t wait for certain moments/occassions to tell people how you feel about them. Tell someone when you’re proud of them, love them, have noticed their growth etc. We assume people know how we feel about them but we don’t actually speak our feelings as often as we should! Challenge: Reach out to someone today and tell em how you feel about them.
Good leaders don’t create followers, they create other leaders. I heard this this past year and it really stuck. So often, on the way “to the top” (whatever that means for you), it can feel like you have to outsmart people or that in order for you to move up, someone stays down, and so on. I truly believe there’s enough to go around for everyone and the more you lift others up and bring them along with you, the faster and better you move.
Never underestimate small acts of kindness/thoughtful gestures. My favorite thing to gift someone/receive is a book. I have friendships that started with the gift of a book and flourished into sisterhood.
If you find people that you like working with, that work as hard if not harder than you, and that give a sh*t as much as you do, do not underestimate that. Remind them you appreciate them and enjoy working with them. You could be working with the smartest people but if they don’t work hard or don’t care, it will be painful and impossible to get anything done.
It’s okay to be emotional, sad, mad, grieve etc and ride out your feelings. In fact you should take time to sit with those feelings, but put an expiration date on them i.e. cool you want to be sad and drink a bottle of wine and mourn something? Take the time you need, but set a date on when you’re going to get it together and pick yourself back up. I feel like messages all around us tell us to quickly get over things, move on, pick yourself up, be strong, don’t be emotional as that signifies “weakness”, put on a happy face always etc, but I think it’s important to understand those feelings in order to better deal with them in the future. *Disclaimer: This is advice that was given to me years ago and changed how I handle/manage different emotions. You should absolutely do whatever is right/best for you. This advice inspired me to give myself the time/space to deal with things rather than push them aside in an effort to bounce back quickly.
It’s easy to be so caught up in your life, career and world. But don’t forget to ask yourself: How have I moved my community forward?
Treat your relationship like you might treat your job. Sometimes you do things you don’t want to do, but because you need to do them or because it’s the right thing to do. You probably don’t make a ton of assumptions as you go through the work day and instead ask questions and get clarification: Do the same in your relationship. You make time for things even if you may not want to. If we treated our relationships with as much care as our jobs…
If you’re stuck or struggling to figure something out, trust there is a framework and advice out there. You don’t ever have to solve things on your own. We’re so fortunate to live in a time where we have more access to information than ever. Find support groups and resources. Reach out to people that could potentially help you. More often than not people want to help!
Feeling like you need to do things 100% keeps people from doing things even 1%. This can apply to so many things: diet, exercise, that side hustle you’ve been thinking about, learning something new, etc. Instead aim for 80% and see how much easier it is to commit to something. Be gentle with yourself when you fall off track. Perfection is the enemy of progress. This one has had a huge impact on me and has motivated me to just dive into things without waiting for that perfect moment or until I can commit 100%
Dream vivid, dread vaguely. We often do the opposite. When we worry about things, we play them out so vividly in our heads almost bringing them to life. And then when we think of our dreams, we think about them in general terms (i.e. I want to make a lot of money, I want to find love, I want to be successful, etc). Go through the exercise of thinking about your dreams/goals so vividly thinking through every single detail. Actually visualize yourself in that ideal state. It’s actually kind of fun, but also a strong visualization exercise.
Closed mouths don’t get fed. It never hurts to A S K for what you want. Just got wind of an opportunity but missed the deadline? A S K if you can still submit whatever you need to and be considered. On your #nevernotlearning wave and have been eyeing a class but its a bit over your budget? A S K if there’s a discount or scholarship. Think you deserve a raise/promotion. A S K for it. There is almost always flexibility in these things. I literally live by this one. *I’ve asked for each of the things I mentioned and had it work out😊 K, what are you waiting for? Go ask.
Be prepared so that you can be B O L D. This is sort of a Part II to #17 post. You can’t be effective/successful in asking for what you want if you’re not prepared. Being prepared sets you up to not only be successful in your ask, but be bold in your ask. The more prepared you are > the bolder your asks can be > the greater the return.
Time heals all truly. Sounds so simple and we hear it all the time, but this one is really hard for me to accept (#WIP y’all). I’m impatient and want to fix things right away. I want things to go right back to normal after an argument or problem. I totally agonize over things when I’m not 100% good with someone. But giving yourself + others a little time usually does more to help things get better quicker. *Disclaimer: I’m not suggesting you not apologize for things. Apologize right away, but time is usually what helps things get back to “normal”.
Your ego is not your friend. That voice telling you you’re right, don’t apologize, you’re smarter than the next person etc…is wrong. Do not fall victim to that selfish voice in your head. Your ego sucks. Apologize first, acknowledge you’re wrong first, ask questions, understand you might be wrong. It helps to build trust and respect honestly.
One of the kindest ways you show yourself love is by surrounding yourself with loving friends.
If my values never cost me anything, they aren’t values. They’re suggestions.
Monitor your mental health the way you do your physical health: regular checkins, noticing “pain” or something feeling “off”. Many of us pour tons of money and energy into our physical health and often our mental health is an afterthought. I’ve tried to be more thoughtful about this especially because we are on information overload these days with social media. And the news is so depressing. I personally internalize things so much and find that I’m deeply affected by the news. Now whenever I feel like I’m on a roll taking care of my physical healthy, i.e. eating well, working out regularly etc, I ask what I’ve done to support my mental health as well. And it’ll be different for everyone, but it’s important to find what works for you and just know it may take some trial and error.
My whole childhood and still up until today, my mom almost NEVER takes my side when I complain to her about something going on at work, with friends, in my relationship, life in general etc. Those times when I just want someone to agree and sympathize with me, she almost NEVER does. Instead she always responds with something along the lines of: “Jo, you never know why someone is acting that way” or “Maybe they are going through something” or “Not everyone will think like you so why don’t you try to understand the other person” or “Are you sure you are not in the wrong at all” etc. It used to drive me absolutely crazy. But she was totally right and always forced me to pause and think deeper about situations. I find myself doing the same things with friends and family now and I’m sure it’s super annoying for them as well lol but I love and appreciate that she always challenged me to think beyond my own immediate feelings. Don’t be that person that just blindly agrees with people or fuels the fire when people are venting or complaining. Challenge people to be more empathetic. We definitely need more empathy.
On relationships: I’m a big believer in not setting people up for failure. Your significant other (or friends/family for that matter) is not a mind reader. If you really want those flowers on that specific day, then say something. If a person being present for something is important, let them know. If some behavior bothers you repeatedly, speak up instead of letting it build up. It’s important to teach people how you want to be treated.
In the context of career moves: “Fear should go in the pros column not the cons column because it’s likely an indication of a steep learning curve ahead.” If you’re feeling super ready for something you’re probably not thinking big enough. I was talking to one of my fave coworkers about career leaps that seem daunting, i.e. moving up, managing people, etc. and he said “I don’t think you’re ever “ready” for that. And if you’re feeling ready then you’re probably not thinking big enough.”
One of the best things I started doing this past year was setting monthly goals. I’m naturally super introspective around the new year and my birthday (if you couldn’t tell), and writing yearly goals is something I always do. The past year I started writing monthly goals for different categories including: diet, workout, mental health, relationship, career, learning, side hustles, finances etc. I write them on the 1st of the month and keep them in my Notes App so I can always easily reference. Usually the monthly goals are in service of my yearly goals but sometimes they’re just things I want to focus on for that specific month. It’s definitely helped me be more proactive and really keep tabs on how I’m progressing towards larger goals. It’s so true that small things add up and reaching major goals is a result of several small but thoughtful and consistent steps. Another plus is that it forces you to check in and see if you are even still interested in that goal you initially set or if you need to try a different approach because whatever you tried for a month isn’t working. Lastly, I think it’s important to figure out what the best way for you to document and track these things is. I learned digital is what works for me and I love being able to quickly reference things anytime. I bought a nice planner at the beginning of the year and have yet to open it so pen + paper is not for me.
Don’t obsess over friendships/relationships that are no more or that have changed. Because a relationship is different, does not necessarily mean it’s worse/better or that that person no longer cares for you. People grow, relationships change. But it is important to pause and take note of your existing relationships/friendships and notice when those relationships no longer serve you or bring out the best in you or become entirely one sided etc. Surround yourself with people who challenge you and push you to be better. People who encourage you when you share your goals/aspirations. Tell a friend your goals/dreams/aspirations and how they respond should tell you everything.
Support your friends! Many of us will buy/stream Kanye’s new album despite his shenanigans (yeah I said it, debate me later) but won’t buy our friend’s gear. Your friend that is working their ass off! Many of us are surrounded by friends that are pouring blood sweat and tears into something they believe in. Support them. Buy their gear. Give your money, support and love to them.
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I started embracing this seriously the past few years, but planning to lean into it heavily in this next chapter. The reward is that much sweeter when you face something daunting head on. I’ve intentionally signed up for things that make me uncomfortable or that I’m scared of in an effort to push myself. Sharing this list leading up to my birthday was super uncomfortable for me. Around day 5 I strongly considered scraping the whole thing #deletedeletedelete. But I truly loved connecting with people across all of these different topics. Connecting with people > my comfort zone. I’m glad I continued on because the process of reflecting about these major lessons helped show me how much I’ve learned, how much I still have to learn/improve, and how fortunate I am to be surrounded by people and exposed to experiences that have helped shape me and taught me so much.

If you were at all inspired by this, I encourage you to go through the same exercise whether publicly or in private! It was therapeutic in a way. Cheers to another decade of learning, lessons and growth!