Everything You Need to Know about Online Couples Therapy

I’ve shared previously about *Andy and my approach to regular check ins and relationship goal setting. I recently posted that we started couples therapy and am sharing more about our decision to do that and our experience so far in case you want to give it a try. It’s been a major unlock for us in such a short time and I can’t wait to see how much more we learn.

*he told me I had to let anyone reading this know that only I’m allowed to call him Andy and everyone else has to call him Dru haha

THE WHY

There are a few reasons we decided to try couples therapy:

We recently got engaged and I was thinking a lot about our next chapter. I told Andy that when I walk down the aisle I want to feel more equipped that day than a year ago for what lies ahead. We wanted to have a “toolkit” for how we manage conflict and challenges that will inevitably arise.
We have very different communication styles. I’m super comfortable with confrontation and am always down to talk things out. Andy is not confrontational at all. This can sometimes cause tension when something comes up.
We’re both growth focused and believe in investing time and effort in our relationship in the same way we invest time and effort in our work and our own personal development.
Relationships are hard. We both love each other to death, but we have very different schedules, work styles, life styles, communication styles etc.
We have a good foundational understanding of each other’s histories, values, etc, and are now focused on long term planning and wanted help in that area.

THE HOW

We are pretty busy day to day, so we wanted to make it as easy as possible to turn this into a consistent practice. We’re also into new tech and are always down to try new products/experiences. Enter: online couples therapy. Also covid, so duh online FTW. I tried a personal online therapy platform called Betterhelp previously. Regain is the couples therapy version of that.

YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED

How does it work?: We use online platform Regain. There’s an app that you and your partner have access to and you can choose to use the chat, voice calls, or video. We use the video feature with our therapist.

How much does it cost?: $260/month for unlimited sessions. We try to do it 1x/week. In person therapy can cost over $100 for one session, so this is definitely more cost effective.

How does scheduling work?: All of the scheduling happens in the app which is perfect for us. We can view our therapist’s schedule and find a time that works for us. It’s a huge time saver to not have to go back and forth via email or phone to schedule time.

How do you find a therapist that’s right for you?

Once you sign up, you fill out a detailed survey and input key attributes that may be important to you in a therapist, including: age, religion, race, specialty, gender, etc.
After completing the survey you’re presented with several therapists that meet your criteria. You can read more about each one and their credentials.
Choose a therapist! Don’t stress this. Choosing a therapist is like dating. Initially, you’re both getting to know each other and deciding whether you are a good fit and want to continue the relationship. It’s perfectly okay if you don’t vibe with the first therapist. You can keep trying new ones until you find a good fit.

Our first therapist wasn’t a good fit for us. She wanted to give us several assignments and worksheets in between sessions which wasn’t ideal for our schedules, she had less calendar availability to meet consistently and the available times she did have didn’t work with our schedules.

The app makes is very easy (and discreet) to choose a new therapist. We met our current therapist second and she is perfect for us. She is available during times that work for us and we really like her therapy approach. She prefers to chat through things live and watch us interact to best advise us vs giving us assignments and worksheets to do. She’s been GREAT!

WHAT WE’VE LEARNED SO FAR

Whew this has not been easy. The first few sessions were relatively straightforward and surface level (remember it’s like dating – you’re putting your best foot forward and hesitating to get deep right away). But our most recent session was a major unlock. Not surprising it was also a very difficult, emotional conversation and we ended up talking to our therapist for over an hour.

Anyways, here’s why it was so impactful and some of the key things we’ve learned so far:

WHAT YOU THINK IS A MYRIAD OF ISSUES/CHALLENGES CAN USUALLY BE BOILED DOWN TO 1 OR 2 THINGS: I went into the convo thinking we had several things to work through. By the end of the convo I realized everything was tied to one key thing: time. The quality and quantity of our time spent together. Every time I kept trying to bring up other things she helped us see that ultimately it all went back to this one key factor. Having that clarity and focus that it was one key thing we were up against made it easy for us to think about how to be better. It also made it feel less overwhelming. One thing to focus on provided us with much needed clarity that can help us be more intentional going forward.
GROWING PAINS ARE NORMAL: She reinforced that what we are going through as a couple is totally normal, that we’re taking the right steps and that relationships only get more complicated as you get older, add in a family, etc so it’s great we’re doing therapy now. Overall, these are simply growing pains.
THIS IS A LIFELONG PROCESS: She reminded us that we each have our own needs, we’re still learning each other’s needs and that the learning should never stop. We’re always evolving. This seems obvious, but I always thought that we knew each other super well. She’s helped us realize how we’ve grown and how we should acknowledge the growth and changes. This really stuck with me.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT COMPROMISE: Another one that seems obvious, but having a third party reinforce this and remind us that relationships take sacrifice was key. Sometimes you do things even if you don’t want to for the other person.

And this was after only a few sessions. We don’t really have a timeline for how long we’ll do this (maybe forever?), but are planning to keep at it for now.

If you give it a shot, I hope you have a great experience. Keep me posted and let me know if you have any other questions I can answer!