We spend time setting personal and professional goals and often neglect relationship goals. I’m a big believer that we should bring as much care, intention, and thoughtfulness to our relationships as we do our jobs.

Last year Andy and I were talking about our goals and intentions and decided to do joint goals/intentions. I had never done this with a partner before so I did some research and put together a goal setting framework for us. It’s one part reflection and one part forward looking goal setting. We’re still refining this but sharing here in case you want to give it a shot.

Part I: Reflection

For the reflection part, we both individually answer these questions privately first. Then we come together and go through each question taking turns sharing our answers. We take notes in a shared note online that we both have access to and can reference anytime. I like capturing them somewhere because one of the best parts about this is seeing how answers stay the same or change over time.

1. 1. When was I happiest in the relationship?
   2. When did I feel the most sense of trust? least sense of trust?
   3. How do I enjoy receiving love?
   4. How do I enjoy showing love?
   5. What do I still want to do individually?
   6. What do I want to do with my partner?
   7. Do I believe we are working as a team?
   8. When do I feel most connected?
   9. How are we connecting?
   10. What are our couple strengths?
   11. What areas would I like us to grow in?
   12. One thing I want my partner to know going into this year is:
   13. One thing I feel misunderstood about in our relationship is:
   14. One way I’m going to be a better partner in 20XX is:

Part II: Goal Setting

Many of the goals we set are born out of the reflection part. For example, if we don’t feel like we’re currently working as a team, we unpack that and brainstorm ways to get to a better place there. A lot of the time, the “areas we would like to grow in” have overlap and we use those as a starting point for goals. We include these in our shared note so that we can reference them often.

We’ve set goals in areas like:

1. How we want to handle conflict as a couple
2. New things we want to try this year
3. A spirtual goal we want to work on together
4. Incorporating more check ins with each other since we’re both pretty busy
5. Planning monthly dinners that are scheduled on the calendar

I recommend doing this a few times a year. We do them if things feel off, if we’re feeling super inspired or if it’s a natural time to revisit them because of a major life change (moving, starting a new job, etc) — all things that have happened this past year. Over time, you start to identify themes and it’s a great way to learn what’s important to each another.

I wish I could say these are easy conversations where we are totally on the same page about everything, but that would be a lie. They are often uncomfortable and vulnerable.

Push through.

Let me know what I’m missing or what you’d add to this!